I don’t even really know why I’m openly talking about any of the personal stuff in my life, but I need to get it out some way I guess. I just can’t keep it all inside anymore considering it seems to be slowly killing me in a sense.

I can say that I understand what it’s like to not have money or to have very little anyways. To be honest, I don’t even know how I’m going to afford to have the electricity in my apartment kept on. Or how I’m going to afford the car I’m currently driving, hell I don’t even have the money to put gas in my car for me to get to work. 

I have .67 cents in my checking account, nothing in my savings and I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m trying my hardest to not completely freak out but there isn’t anyone I can really turn to for help so that’s just getting harder and harder by the day. 

For one of the first times in my life I really don’t know what to do. 

I hate having to live from pay check to pay check, it’d be nice to be able to actually save up some money for when the lease of this apartment is up or if there’s an emergency. Instead I’m stuck having to spend my check the moment I get it on bills, bills, and more bills. It’s just so frustrating.

I literally just sat in my car after work for 5-10 minutes just thinking, trying not to cry, yet failing as my tears ran down my cheek and onto my sweatshirt. I felt like a complete idiot, crying in the parking lot while both my bosses were still inside. I never want either of them to see me crying or in pain of any kind. I just…don’t like the thought of that. I don’t want anyone from work to see me so lost seeing as how I’m higher up and people look to me for help. What would happen if people knew I couldn’t help even myself, would they stop looking up to me? I really wouldn’t want that, I’d feel like somewhat of a failure. Even more so than I do now I suppose.

I know things could be worse, I really do. But being barely out of my teens and being so lost with no one around to help me is such a scary thing. I do have more than the average person, but I’m afraid of losing those things. I’m afraid I won’t have a place to live or a way of getting to work. 

I wish things were different, I never honestly imagined I’d be in such a position where I had close to no money or that I could lose hope so quickly. 

I’m trying my hardest yet my hardest doesn’t seem to be good enough.